BLOOD, Heaven and Hell

[NightDeath]

BLOOD

Blood flows from man to man
Blood that bleeds drips from his hand
Fear corrupts even the strong at heart,
Fire it burns The summoning must start
The man next to him starts to change
The one who was by him now has a grin on his face
What has he done says the man in pain,
A trail of tears leaves his face
It turns red as blood
His will is great but the power has won
He gets up in pain
And shakes at his reflection,
But the man who helped him
Holds out a hand
Together as brother’s
He accepts his help,
To control what is in him
People call it a beast
They call it a curse
But from the brother’s it’s a gift at most
Their power is strong
Their minds are wise,
Together the brothers
Take over your mind
Howl to the moon
With my brother at my side
Fear the night and for your life

HEAVEN & HELL

I fall from the heaven's
I fall from the sky
I hit the ground
And watch time pass me by,
No one cares
No one feels
I get a hand from the one who steals,
He brings me down offers me a deal
I take it but it wasen't real
I'm back to life
I'm full of power
Who should I kill
How about a shower,
I get out wet and warm
I look into the mirror and see a form
It is not Above or Below
It belongs to me I let it flow,
I fell great I fell new
I fell something weird I don't know what to do,
My body is on fire
My skin it melts my bones they crack
I try to get up
UGH my back
I feel the pain but it feels good
I close my eyes but open them I should,
I awake to a cry it's my friend I see her cry
I get up with a struggle she backs away
Because i'm trouble,
I check the mirror
Is that really me?
I see a reflection of neather wolf nor man
But I do understand
I lower my head I go outside
I head for the woods I let out a cry

[Klark]

Ok, I hope you're ready for some criticism to help make your work better.

First, I'll discuss Blood. You may find that the use of commas will help the reader know when to breathe and at what measure to read the poem at. I found it to be messy, honestly. I had a hard time keeping my place in the poem though I read through it with no outside distractions. You also have "know" in place of "now."

As for Haven and Hell, I'm wondering if you mean to say Heaven and Hell. The reason I am confused on the title is because you never use the word "Haven" in the poem. Also, there are several times when you used the word "Fell" and I believe you mean to say "Feel."

I liked it better than Blood simply because the lines were separated and the poem led me along with it's meter and phrasing. Poetry should do that. It should be able to pick you up and carry you along with it, similar to a scenic ride in the back of a haywagon. Only with poetry, when it's done you should feel enlightened or touched, unlike a hayride where you're likely to get a splinter.

While I feel that Blood is a splinter, Haven and Hell was a much better example of writing. For the Klark Rating System, I give Blood one thumb down and I give Haven and Hell one thumb up. (This is based on a two thumb system)

Thank you for posting your poetry.

[NightDeath]

No problem I do understand what you are saying and thank you for it.