The Egyptian Beast from America

[visionordream09]

There was a college student named Messiah from the University of Archaeology - Ancient Egypt. He is visiting the pyramids in search of something for his Senior Final Project so he can graduate. Messiah Uno went there with Professor Armstrong Jones and six classmates looking for artifacts that can be put into a museum. The three day expedition was interrupted when Messiah went into the pyramid of King Monstrosity on the first night alone while the others were sleeping. King Monstrosity was born as Richie II who became pharaoh after his uncle, Monstrous, died from not fulfilling a pact with the devil to takeover surrounding nations. Richie II was raised by his uncle after his father, Richie I, died in an invasion by a neighboring nation. He became just like his uncle fooling around with darkness things that would cost him of his life.

Back to modern day Egypt … Messiah Uno went inside the pyramid and the entrance sealed shut behind him with a dark passage way being lighted up by fire. It led him to a big room with jewelry spread across the room and a huge statue of a pharaoh unbeknown to him as King Monstrosity. The pharaoh’s burial room had a switch in the floor which sealed him in there. Richie II’s spirit appeared in front of him in green smoke because he had disturbed the pharaoh’s final resting place.

King Monstrosity: “Who dares interrupts the pharaoh’s sleep?”
Messiah: “It is Messiah Uno your majesty.”

Messiah was told to bow down and show the pharaoh respect in his presence. Pharaoh’s spirit asked him questions as for the reason he was there.

King Monstrosity: “Might one be a servant or slave?”
Messiah: “I’m not one of the two your majesty.”
King Monstrosity: “What is your business to trespass?”
Messiah: “I’m here to search for artifacts in your honor.”

The pharaoh decided if he would let Messiah go free or become his minion and because he disturbed Richie II’s sleep Messiah Uno became a minion forever. There were some exceptions that he could go free back to his somewhat normal life but would call on him to transform into an ancient beast at any given time. He had researched many ancient Egyptian beasts during his time at the university which he knew could possibly become any type of half animal, half human creature. Pharaoh’s spirit in the form of green smoke released him from the pyramid before his six classmates and Professor Jones woke up to look for him. The green smoke disappeared and Messiah made his way out back to the campground making it seem he was never gone.

King Monstrosity visited Messiah in his dreams on the second night giving him images of different creatures he might transform into such as a jackal or snake. The third and last day the group packed up and went back to the university. It was later that week Messiah Uno graduated from the University of Archaeology - Ancient Egypt. He thought everything was all over with the pyramids and King Monstrosity until the full moon came two weeks later. An exhausted 24 year old went to bed at 11 PM and at 1 AM could feel his body changing into something else. There were several loud popping sounds that indicated bone restructure so when he looked in the mirror his face was pushing out. An eagle’s beak replaced his nose following with a lion’s tail and the rest of his body started to take shape. Messiah’s hands and feet became lion paws along with his arms and legs to appear as a lion. The wings of an eagle formed at the shoulder blades and lion fur covered the rest of his body to finish the transformation into a griffin. It turns out Richie II didn’t make it known that Messiah could transform into a griffin as well as a jackal and snake along with other things.

[NewMoon]

This story sounds interesting and I would like to here more of it.

[visionordream09]

This story sounds interesting and I would like to here more of it.

I'm doing what I can to extend the story as best as I can to be interesting.

[Amy]

Hi

I have to agree with new moon this story sounds awesome :notworthy:

though I'd personally change a few things

1. I don't think there is a "University of Archaeology - Ancient Egypt." (correct me if I'm wrong I don't understand the US university system) if you wanted to keep things a bit more realistic you could say he was could say he was studying archeology at an existing university e.g Harvard University or make one up.

2. We know very little about Messiah's charachter making it hard to sympathise with him why is he interested in archeology? is he good bad power hungry?

3. What's Egypt like what's the rest of the group like do they suspect anything?

4. Why does Messiah go into the pyramid? I think it's pretty impressive that after being enslaved by some sort of Egyptian demi-god he has no reaction whatsoever. This might all be part of your writing style but it makes it hard for me as the reader to sympathise with any of your charachters and want to read on.

5. "Richie II" Doesn't sound like a Pharo's name

[Alpha_sable]

Hehehe. This story sounds great and I hope to hear more from you! You are a good writer! Consider getting a good solid character layout before writing. It may help move the story foreward!

[visionordream09]

Hehehe. This story sounds great and I hope to hear more from you! You are a good writer! Consider getting a good solid character layout before writing. It may help move the story foreward!

Do you think I should take out the six classmates and just leave Messiah Uno with only Professor Armstrong Jones and King Monstrosity?

[DarkWolf]

This may seem a lot and harsh but it's not my intention. Please simply read and take from it what you want. I will be listing advice along with the critique.

I like the idea but it does need to be fleshed out more. No matter how fantastical the story we must relate to it and it must make, in some form, sense.

Firstly, who is Messiah Uno? What country is he from? If he is Egyptian himself is studying from an Egyptian University? Perhaps he could be enrolled in Cairo University's Archaelogy program (it does have one)? But Archaelogy does often require students to travel he could be from the USA. Perhaps he is a student at the Institute of Egyptian Art & Archaelogy which is contained within the Department of Art at University of Memphis in Memphis Tennesee, USA (also real)?

What does Messiah look like? One assumes he is the 'hero' of this story so why do we know nothing about him but a name?

Secondly, what language does everyone speak in. To us the reader English because we understand it but they could actually be using a different Language. The King, if ancient, is less likely to speak normal English. While readers will see English perhaps make not he was speaking Egyptian which Messiah is able to translate in his head - or that could be his native language anyway.

Thirdly the names seem really out of place. Why is he named Messiah Uno? It is two languages mixed together and neither are likely to be taken as names by anyone in the modern world. Try a names book or site to get an appropriate name. And King Monstrosity? Really? An Ancient being with a name of an English word - a language that wouldn't be invented or anything coming close to it for thousands of years and with the word in question being a newer, modern, word? If Messiah is Egyptian there are some popular male names used today that still have meanings worth considering. Don't know any meaning messenger or messiah but there's 'Chenzira' for example which means 'born on a journey' or perhaps simple 'Asim' meaning 'protector'? It is also common to use the names of Pharaohs or Gods. Instead of King Monstrosity which makes no sense whatsoever (the word King doesn't exist in the Egyptian language, their closest word by meaning is, obviously, Pharaoh) how about saying this ancient being was actually responsible for part of mythology - name the being after an Egyptian god! But for something to demonstrate "darkness" and "monsters" and that sort of thing there's Gods of Death like Anubis or Osiris but you may also try a twist. Did you know that the most monsterous God in Egyptian mythology by role was actually female? Look up Ammut! She was depicted as having the hindquarters of a hppopotamus (symbolises hunger, I'd imagine as they're large fat creatures with gaping jaws), the forequarters of a Lion (symbolises predator and power, also high rank as she was a very important goddess) and the head of a crocodile (large jaw, and monsterous for her role was monsterous, also ancient, for she was an ancient one). She played a part in the judgement of Death. It was custom that when a being died their soul lay within their heart so it was placed on scales and weighed against 'the feather of Ma'at (female goddess for truth and justice). It was believed that sin was carried in the soul in the heart. If the heart therefore equalled the feather they earned eternal life in Duat or 'fertile land'. If the heart weighed more than it was considered heavy with sin (stemming the idea that actions may weigh heavily on our hearts and that hearts were our core or inner selves). Such a heart of sin was eaten by Ammut. She is therefore considered a soul-eating monster also called the Devourer.

So perhaps Ammut provides a better villain than 'King Monstrosity'? And even more better than Richie II considering that name Richard (which Richie is short for and has never existed as a seperate name before Richard) is of German origin first heard around 1100 years ago.

These are pretty big issues since they stop your story being relateable in any way. The idea is intriguing but these issues make it rather absurd and nonsensical.

I'm also assuming what you've put so far is actually a synopsis not a beginning? It doesn't serve as a beginning. There's no progression, no detail, no advancement or insight of plot. We're basically just being told "this happens, and this, and this, and that's it" like it's relaying facts not telling the story. The dialogue done in this fashion is dry and too much of a ping-pong bouncing from one speaker to the other without emotion or action. How do they say these words, what tone, do they do something like blink or look a certain way or smile?

So, that's my criticism. Now for my advice. Consider this homework. :p

1. Develop a character profile. A fact sheet of information about the character. This will be names, stats, appearance, likes, dislikes, and a synopsis of their history with detail on the biggest events or anything you think would make the character who he is. Perhaps he does this as a passion, feels it like a calling, or maybe just following his parents. Also include stats of his family. Who are is parents? Siblings? What is his relationship with them? What about friends or colleagues of interest? The point is threefold - for a quickreference for aid in consistency, to develop a 'person' not just a name on a page which helps you understand why he is who he is and why he does what he does, and also this understanding will show in your writing. It is the quality of the character that draws us to him, how real he is made to us. A 'person' with complete history and background and also flaws is more real than a Name on paper associated with some spoken words or some 'never makes a mistake' person. Give him flaws, strengths, good points, bad points. Not all details need to be given but knowing them will help you write him better.

2. Do research. Read up about archaelogy courses, how long do they run for, cost, popularity. You don't need to become an expert yourself but it's not going to work if you can't write anything vaguely accurate about what things. What is Egypt like? Where is this all happening, what names of places? Even if the town or something is made-up, try basing some aspects on real Egyptian towns. Authenticity will make your writing of these things more confident and realistic. It's suspension of disbelief. If what you're describing is not even close to reality it will be disbelieved and with that disbelief the story loses its appeal. In fantasy worlds and settings have basis or draw inspiration from real places. If you're drawing in a set mythology then include that mythology. It's the name thing. Nobody is going to believe the Ancient Egyptians had a pharoah named Richard or King Monstrosity.

For example in my WereGame I just recently did in Relays, although it is a somewhat quick-hash attempt at writing, had a realistic setting. I looked stuff up. I used actual measurements of common cruise ships. A based it on a real cruise ship course, had them visit actual ports that real caribean cruises visit and then had it turn southward towards the middle of the caribbean sea which ships could do based on where the ship would be and how much fuel it would have. And even the beacon thing is accurate - most ships of any size feature beacons to allow anyone searching for that frequency to locate them, it is a standard safety feature of most sea-travelling vessels AND aeroplanes too. I based number of passengers on actual figures for ships that size. Aside from the Werewolf and inhuman hunter aspects, everything else was accurate to the current real world. It took only five minutes of google searching to get that info.

Do research. It's always important. Most novels, especially the bestsellers, take a long time to write due to the writer having to do research. Quite a lot can be done on-line. So always give it a try.

3. This is my final advice for you. There's more but this is long enough. Try learning about people generally. Go to a café or park or somewhere where people gather and talk and you can hear them while being discrete (it's rude to eavesdrop/stare but useful). Spend a while watching people and hearing them. Focus on on how the speak and move. Look at body language, and listen for changes in tone. Try to associate types of movements to different intended messages. How do different people convey a similar message? These things will matter in your story. Detail them whenever there is dialogue. A single sentence, said with same words, can have different intentions or meanings depending on how it said. What are the differences in gesture for this. How do people express anger or sorrow in their gestures?

We learn more about a message from body language than we do from actual words used. It is how we started to develop language, after all. It's how we, as babies, learned to speak at all. If somebody pointed at a shadow and said Ombra we can identify that in their language Ombra may mean shadow (and it does, in Italian). This involves two factors: the spoken word and the gesture.

The word without the gesture, if its a new word, would mean nothing to us. But the gesture without the word still tells us they're referring to the shadow. We learn more from the body language than the spoken one. So it is imperative you watch people to learn this from a distance to make it easier to include in your story. By doing so, we, the readers can understand the dialogue more clearly and keeps our attention.

Hope this helps.