Winter chill

[Dark_barron]

Winter chill

While i step over the horizen,
i see the gazing moon,
i see the lonly lover,
and while i stair,
i see the lovers flying,
and while they fly,
i cry frozen tears to be as free

I stand in this winter chill,
a lonly traveler,
waiting
waiting
waiting for the lover i stalk
then i see it

The white cold flakes embrace the beauty,
while i just stare,
while i stare at his freedom,
while i stare at his lonsome,
while i stare at his beauty,

i see him run off again,
and i walk back home waiting,
for my passage,
once more.

[kathryn]

Flow is good, the topic is a little... weird, and you might want to correct your spelling mistakes. I think if I were writing this, I would spend some time actually talking about a winter chill instead of talking about stalking someone. Sure, you added "frozen tears", "winter chill", "white cold snowflakes", which does conjure up a cold setting, but... anyways...

You did a good job. I enjoyed reading it, despite my criticism. (And at least your spelling mistakes aren't anything major. I know that I have plenty when I write ^_^)

[Golden Howl]

So, do the lower case i's have any significance? Or is that just part of your charming ignorance?
Your oscillation of 'stair' and 'stare' is quite irritating...so did you just happen to make an incredible error in spelling? Oh, wait let me pause in my chastising of your dilapidated poem to recommend that you get yourself a dictionary. You might have some difficulty comprehending what I am saying.

[kathryn]

Remember, Howl, we're trying to create constructive criticism here, we're not trying to scare the noobs away with our truthful yet harming posts.

[MetaKittie]

So, do the lower case i's have any significance? - Fixed.

I wouldn't give him grammar advice just yet.

[MorganaFang]

- Fixed.

I wouldn't give him grammar advice just yet.

Ok e-peen edit nazi contest over.

This has been old for awhile. Either be constructive in criticism to the poem posted or don't post. :P

[Golden Howl]

Remember, Howl, we're trying to create constructive criticism here, we're not trying to scare the noobs away with our truthful yet harming posts. Okay, I'll give the guy something to work with.

- Fixed.

I wouldn't give him grammar advice just yet.
Oops, I made one error in my hasty post. I'll give you credit for being observant, but quite frankly, that's it.


Alright, Mr. (Miss?) Dark_barron I'll offer you some constructive criticism, but I can't guarantee it'll be pleasant. First of all, I don't believe I need to inform you of your serveral misspelled words, etc. 'i see the lonely lover' So basically here you are stating the person you're stalking is alone, but then a couple lines down you quickly alter this statement with 'i see the lovers flying' This can be somewhat misleading. How did this singular character suddenly have company? So how is she (or he) a 'lonely lover'?
I think you should start with that, and if you want more then bring it to my attention & I shall give you more.