Uno's poetry

[UNODRAGONE]

I figured I mine as well make a thread for my stuff. Someone very close to my heart lost there little angel last night, this poem is dedicated to her and her beloved Ozzy.


Because you loved me


Because you loved me my raging body is at peace,
No more restless nights, my mind is at ease,
Because you loved me it made it harder to leave,
Harder to let go of the physical and let you be,
Because you loved me I am in a better place to watch over you,
I will still share in your heartaches; my job is not through,
My little fluffy ears are still open,
Don’t leave all your thoughts and troubles unspoken,
I can still hear you and see you so clearly,
I did not leave you; I know you still need me,
Put your hand over your heart and you will find my new home,
Take comfort in the fact you are not alone,
Because your love for me was so strong,
I am not a faded memory; our bond, our love, my spirit will live on.

[Destiny]

:cry: That was beautiful! And it hit home since yesterday was the anniversary of my sister's death. I love it! :love:

[UNODRAGONE]

:cry: That was beautiful! And it hit home since yesterday was the anniversary of my sister's death. I love it! :love:

:(

thank you for your comment, I was hoping it would hit deep but not in a bad way

[Chiron Jackal]

Your poem reminds me of this YouTube video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGQVX8iGbgk).

[Shaun]

Your poem reminds me of this YouTube video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGQVX8iGbgk).

Hhhmm does that imply Uno's poem was boring but sad at the end? :p I still can't read it and not choke up, being the dog sucker I am. You did good honey.

[Klark]

You may not have been around when I used to say this, but trust me, it's a big compliment when I say: Thumbs Up.

[Destiny]

:(

thank you for your comment, I was hoping it would hit deep but not in a bad way
It wasn't in a bad way! :) I love to remember her in any way I can.

[UNODRAGONE]

I don't think I was around for the two thumbs up Klark but I appreciate it deeply none the less :) Destiny my midget, you never forget those you love :love: I know you wont' forget her

[Destiny]

I know. I just didn't want you feelin' bad for remindin' me of her! *Hugs*...So, anymore poems? :D

[UNODRAGONE]

thank you midget I appreciate that :) luckily I saved most of mine on my computer here (whipes forehead) here's another one:



Three piece suit



A lonely wind blew through the trees,
There was no movement on the ground say for a few leaves,
The house lay vacant on an unattended lot,
The windows were boarded, the door was locked,
A business man wandered over in his three piece suit,
Leaving his car far behind him it gave him the boot,
He knocked three times but there was not a sound,
No one is home maybe they went to town,
He walked around back and found a rusted basement door,
He opened it slowly ready to explore,
He wiped away the cobwebs that stood in his way,
Everything seemed to go wrong on this dreary day,
He got off the last step onto a concrete floor,
There was an eerie feeling that shook him to his core,
There’s something not right here I wonder what happened,
All of a sudden in the dark came a rapping,
Something was gently taping,
On an old wooden door about three feet away,
Should I go see what it is or should I stay,
He cautiously walked toward the door his hands in a fist,
Peering into the darkness his eyes began to twitch,
His hand on the door knob he began to turn,
Suddenly his eyes started to burn,
He pushed through the door falling to the ground,
Looking around there was no sign of what made the sound,
Against the wall he saw a light switch,
Flipping it on he saw what made him twitch,
In the basement he just left,
There were piles of decaying bones millions I bet,
In shock and horror he scrambled back,
When he thought he got far enough he slammed into a rack,
Shriveled potted plants fell to the floor,
Making an enormous roar,
From far away in the house came a familiar sound,
The gently rapping he had found,
Slowly a thump came along after,
I got to get out of here I got to move faster,
His legs wouldn’t move to weak from fear,
In the corner of his eye came a tear,
Slowly the thud got closer and closer,
I’m not armed I’ll leave please no sir!
Suddenly around the corner he saw what made the sound,
It was only an old coon hound,
With a sigh of relief he began to relax,
Out of the corner of his eye he saw an axe,
With one quick swoop the axe swung round,
With a quick gasp a head toppled to the ground,
It was a dreary day for the man in the three piece suit,
Trying to find shelter after his car gave him the boot,
He was just looking for a warm dry space,
And instead found his internal resting place.

[Destiny]

Haha! Awesome job! I loved it! Friggin' amazing! :D

[UNODRAGONE]

Haha! Awesome job! I loved it! Friggin' amazing! :D

ty :) wasn't sure if it belonged in stories but it was meant as a poem :shrug:

[Destiny]

It rhymed! So it's a story poem!...It kinda works for either/or. :)

[Golden Howl]

thank you midget I appreciate that :) luckily I saved most of mine on my computer here (whipes forehead) here's another one:



Three piece suit



A lonely wind blew through the trees,
There was no movement on the ground say for a few leaves,
The house lay vacant on an unattended lot,
The windows were boarded, the door was locked,
A business man wandered over in his three piece suit,
Leaving his car far behind him it gave him the boot,
He knocked three times but there was not a sound,
No one is home maybe they went to town,
He walked around back and found a rusted basement door,
He opened it slowly ready to explore,
He wiped away the cobwebs that stood in his way,
Everything seemed to go wrong on this dreary day,
He got off the last step onto a concrete floor,
There was an eerie feeling that shook him to his core,
There’s something not right here I wonder what happened,
All of a sudden in the dark came a rapping,
Something was gently taping,
On an old wooden door about three feet away,
Should I go see what it is or should I stay,
He cautiously walked toward the door his hands in a fist,
Peering into the darkness his eyes began to twitch,
His hand on the door knob he began to turn,
Suddenly his eyes started to burn,
He pushed through the door falling to the ground,
Looking around there was no sign of what made the sound,
Against the wall he saw a light switch,
Flipping it on he saw what made him twitch,
In the basement he just left,
There were piles of decaying bones millions I bet,
In shock and horror he scrambled back,
When he thought he got far enough he slammed into a rack,
Shriveled potted plants fell to the floor,
Making an enormous roar,
From far away in the house came a familiar sound,
The gently rapping he had found,
Slowly a thump came along after,
I got to get out of here I got to move faster,
His legs wouldn’t move to weak from fear,
In the corner of his eye came a tear,
Slowly the thud got closer and closer,
I’m not armed I’ll leave please no sir!
Suddenly around the corner he saw what made the sound,
It was only an old coon hound,
With a sigh of relief he began to relax,
Out of the corner of his eye he saw an axe,
With one quick swoop the axe swung round,
With a quick gasp a head toppled to the ground,
It was a dreary day for the man in the three piece suit,
Trying to find shelter after his car gave him the boot,
He was just looking for a warm dry space,
And instead found his internal resting place.


Let me say first of all, I would strongly suggest becoming more creative with your rhyming words. Come on, you can do better than 'Way' & 'Day', 'Away' & 'Stay', 'Left' & 'Bet', 'Found' & 'Sound'...the pathetic list could continue. There's no reason to rhyme every line or so. If you are going to use such baby words, then you might as well not rhyme at all. Besides not all poetry needs to have that quality.
Also, when the character is thinking you should make it differ or stand out from the other sentences, like italic perhaps?

'Leaving his car far behind him it gave him the boot'
I didn't comprehend this sentence straight away until the end of the story/poem. Not all people will catch that particular slang of yours or whatever it is. If you decide to keep it as it is, then at least put a semi-colon after the first him. 'Leaving his car far behind him; it gave him the boot' You use the word 'sound' far too often; apply a synonym. Same goes for 'twitch', it's a turn off to readers when you use the same word over & over unless you have the intentions of emphasizing it; however, usually in that situation, a phrase, or a twisting/complex word is used. Everyday words like 'sound' doesn't come across with much power.
'...to weak from fear,' Do you mean 'too weak from fear,'? And put a semi-colon, or at least a comma after the word move in that sentence. Do you even know how to use a semi-colon? If not, I can teach you, because there are several areas in your work which need them.

The last two lines, 'He was just looking for a warm dry space, and instead found his internal resting place.' was an approiate way to close the story. I liked the 'relax' and 'axe' rhyming. Did the man in the three piece suit spot anything, like the terrifying face of the person swinging the axe? I believe it would add interest and haunting if you described the man gazing into his murderer's eyes for a few brief seconds. If you don't desire to place additional details on that part, then leave it be, but it occurs so quickly, I feel robbed of the gory :p



Because you loved me


Because you loved me my raging body is at peace,
No more restless nights, my mind is at ease,
Because you loved me it made it harder to leave,
Harder to let go of the physical and let you be,
Because you loved me I am in a better place to watch over you,
I will still share in your heartaches; my job is not through,
My little fluffy ears are still open,
Don’t leave all your thoughts and troubles unspoken,
I can still hear you and see you so clearly,
I did not leave you; I know you still need me,
Put your hand over your heart and you will find my new home,
Take comfort in the fact you are not alone,
Because your love for me was so strong,
I am not a faded memory; our bond, our love, my spirit will live on.

'Because you loved me my raging body is at peace' At first I was slightly confused when I read this, but eventually my mind processed it. The animal was old and suffering, wasn't it? Or something along those lines.'I did not leave you' I believe it would add more of an effect if you used the word 'abandon' in place of 'leave'. Same applies for 'Place your hand over...' instead of 'Put your hand over...'

You do have a skill of smoothly ending your works, because the last sentence is beautifully written :)

[UNODRAGONE]

Let me say first of all, I would strongly suggest becoming more creative with your rhyming words. Come on, you can do better than 'Way' & 'Day', 'Away' & 'Stay', 'Left' & 'Bet', 'Found' & 'Sound'...the pathetic list could continue. There's no reason to rhyme every line or so. If you are going to use such baby words, then you might as well not rhyme at all. Besides not all poetry needs to have that quality.
Also, when the character is thinking you should make it differ or stand out from the other sentences, like italic perhaps?

'Leaving his car far behind him it gave him the boot'
I didn't comprehend this sentence straight away until the end of the story/poem. Not all people will catch that particular slang of yours or whatever it is. If you decide to keep it as it is, then at least put a semi-colon after the first him. 'Leaving his car far behind him; it gave him the boot' You use the word 'sound' far too often; apply a synonym. Same goes for 'twitch', it's a turn off to readers when you use the same word over & over unless you have the intentions of emphasizing it; however, usually in that situation, a phrase, or a twisting/complex word is used. Everyday words like 'sound' doesn't come across with much power.
'...to weak from fear,' Do you mean 'too weak from fear,'? And put a semi-colon, or at least a comma after the word move in that sentence. Do you even know how to use a semi-colon? If not, I can teach you, because there are several areas in your work which need them.

The last two lines, 'He was just looking for a warm dry space, and instead found his internal resting place.' was an approiate way to close the story. I liked the 'relax' and 'axe' rhyming. Did the man in the three piece suit spot anything, like the terrifying face of the person swinging the axe? I believe it would add interest and haunting if you described the man gazing into his murderer's eyes for a few brief seconds. If you don't desire to place additional details on that part, then leave it be, but it occurs so quickly, I feel robbed of the gory :p



'Because you loved me my raging body is at peace' At first I was slightly confused when I read this, but eventually my mind processed it. The animal was old and suffering, wasn't it? Or something along those lines.'I did not leave you' I believe it would add more of an effect if you used the word 'abandon' in place of 'leave'. Same applies for 'Place your hand over...' instead of 'Put your hand over...'

You do have a skill of smoothly ending your works, because the last sentence is beautifully written :)


I look forward to your critque of my poems and was wondering what was taking you so long! :cool: 'Three piece suit' needs to be redone and your suggestions are spot on. I wrote it back in high school for a creative writing class, actually got it published in the school paper but your right the rhyming was ok and it needs touching up but thankfully I try not to write like that any more, as far as 'Because you loved me', yes my friends dog had cancer :( I wrote it with her in mind, not really as a piece of work per say, but decided to post it none the less. Since it came straight from my heart in a time of heart ache, I'm leaving it

[Shaun]

If I didn't know you and Golden Howl were friends I'd swear she hated you. Although I don't agree with the way she said it, I can see some areas that need improvement like your grammar and extend out your vocabulary list, because I think it would still be good without the rhyming even though the rhyming does make it have more flowability (probably not even a word). But knowing your extent of the English language at the age you wrote it, I would say it is damn good, and now that you speak it much better you can make those improvements.

[Golden Howl]

I look forward to your critque of my poems and was wondering what was taking you so long! 'Three piece suit' needs to be redone and your suggestions are spot on. I wrote it back in high school for a creative writing class, actually got it published in the school paper but your right the rhyming was ok and it needs touching up but thankfully I try not to write like that any more, as far as 'Because you loved me', yes my friends dog had cancer I wrote it with her in mind, not really as a piece of work per say, but decided to post it none the less. Since it came straight from my heart in a time of heart ache, I'm leaving it
Ah, I didn't know you wrote it back in high school. I thought it was recently, and since I've read your other works, I knew you possessed more skill than this. I still had fun regardless :p I agree with you, there is no need to alter a poem if it comes straight from the heart. It's like a picture of the moment, and you desire to look back on it exactly how it was. That's why I usually leave poetry like that alone.


If I didn't know you and Golden Howl were friends I'd swear she hated you.
:D
Although I don't agree with the way she said it, I can see some areas that need improvement like your grammar and extend out your vocabulary list, because I think it would still be good without the rhyming even though the rhyming does make it have more flowability (probably not even a word).
I know I may come off as a complete jerk, but the harsher I am towards someone, the more I venerate them. It's some sort of weird disorder I have :p
Yes, the rhyming does increase the flowability (Yes, it is a word according to your personal wordsmith :D)
But "too much of a good thing is a bad thing", as the old saying goes. It just becomes irritating when I read several poems a day and they all consist of the same ryhming words.
But knowing your extent of the English language at the age you wrote it, I would say it is damn good, and now that you speak it much better you can make those improvements.
Agreed.

[UNODRAGONE]

I posted this not too long ago, but it is one of my personal favorites so I had to bring it back.




My heart felt sorrows



When I was little I never thought of this day,
Never thought you would leave me, always thought you would stay,
I never thought the day would come when you would need my help,
But you began to grow sick and in my heart I felt,
You needed me to take care of you like you took care of me,
I had to be strong for you and not let you see,
The pain in my heart I felt knowing my mother would soon leave me,
I tried my best to make you proud and happy,
Even though through most of the day you felt crappy,
I worked a couple of jobs to help us get by,
Not once did you see me late at night cry,
I felt so useless, I felt I couldn’t do enough,
Making ends meet and taking care of you was tough,
But not one minute did I regret being the one,
To take care of you I knew in my heart that day would come,
I pray I made every day you were here good,
I gave it my all I did everything I could,
I’m sorry for the times I failed you, I know there were many,
And in my heart is where I’ll always carry,
The guilt I felt not doing more,
Before you had to walk out that door,
So now I stand above your grave,
With tears in my eyes I try to be brave,
For the women who was always there for me,
With the hopes one day she can see,
How much she really means to me.

[Destiny]

Awesome UNO. :notworthy: Just awesome. The emotion was nicely...what's the word? Not displayed...I don't remember the word, but if you think of it, well that's it. :D

[BlasphemousHeart]

Man, I missed your work Uno, great.... they're all great...

[UNODRAGONE]

my poems are not for everyone and I know they are not up there with Shakespeare and all them but I would appreciate suggestions on what needs improvement/change so I can better my skills :) I am not sensitive guys you can give it to me (ducks from GH) :p

[Destiny]

I can agree with the first poem that you could use bigger words. And I usually try and use words that don't end with the same 3 letters and still rhyme. :)

[GhostBat]

Do you ever use an actual poetry form (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poetry#Forms), or do you just try to make things rhyme?

I find the best poetry either follows a previously defined form (to give it some structure), or it creatively manipulates a previously defined form.

[GoddessWolf]

Uno, I really liked "Because You Loved Me". The poem was filled with emotion and made me tear up. I love the story it told too. :)

[Shaun]

Besides what I have already stated about the grammar and using the same words I think your poetry is fine love. But then again, I'm not into that Shakespeare crap so to me simple emotional poems work. It's really an individual thing to me cause something I wouldn't go for other people would. Stick to what you love, altering your work to please others isn't staying true to yourself.

[MorganaFang]

Stick to what you love, altering your work to please others isn't staying true to yourself.

Sometimes what a person loves is making a ash tray and then labeling it a vase. That doesn't make it a vase.

Issues that people are trying to say is structurally, rhythmically and metaphorically there is room for improvement so they become actual poems as opposed to pieces of written stream of consciousness.

[UNODRAGONE]

Besides what I have already stated about the grammar and using the same words I think your poetry is fine love. But then again, I'm not into that Shakespeare crap so to me simple emotional poems work. It's really an individual thing to me cause something I wouldn't go for other people would. Stick to what you love, altering your work to please others isn't staying true to yourself.



I agree with you to an extent love, I won't completely alter my poetry cause you are right then I am just pleasing others only. But, I would like to see which areas I can improve and make better on while still holding true to my style. Again my poetry isn't for everyone just like anything else, not all poetry sits well with everyone but for those who like my poems, I'd like to hear from them what can improve and from those who do not, constructive critism instead of 'it sucks'.

[UNODRAGONE]

ok, after taking all things into consideration and reviewing some different art forms, here goes nothing:



La Luna


Every night my gaze meets yours oh splendid ivory moon,
Awing in your beauty and mystery,
Looking out as your luminous light casts shadows all around,
While you are nestled sweetly among the triumphant stars,
I often wonder as I sit staring out into your captivating soul,
What your mystic eyes have seen?
What secrets of the night do you alone possess?
Is there hope one day I can solve that mystery?
You have servants’, who sing you sweet melodies,
Peeking into their thoughts of love, lost or praise,
You give them honor with your presence,
And company in their hours of anguish,
You rule the night well with your brilliant glow,
Even on the nights we are granted only a glimpse of your wonder,
Although some have tip toed onto your surface,
Your magnificent spirit is claimed by no one,
You are not alone in your orbital drift,
But your infinite hold is stronger on the recesses of our hearts,
Alas, though you seem to stretch on until eternity,
Your time with us is but a brief fleeting moment,
As the sun comes peering into view, bidding for the sky,
His blaze casts you out, tucking you into your slumber.
And we are left empty in the absence of your glory,
Waiting, for you to ignite our darkened nights once more.

[Destiny]

Interesting UNO. I like it a lot. I like that, for a change, it didn't rhyme too. I never thought of the moon as so glorious really. :) Nice job. :D

[Golden Howl]

ok, after taking all things into consideration and reviewing some different art forms, here goes nothing:



La Luna


Every night my gaze meets yours oh splendid ivory moon,
Awing in your beauty and mystery,
Looking out as your luminous light casts shadows all around,
While you are nestled sweetly among the triumphant stars,
I often wonder as I sit staring out into your captivating soul,
What your mystic eyes have seen?
What secrets of the night do you alone possess?
Is there hope one day I can solve that mystery?
You have servants’, who sing you sweet melodies,
Peeking into their thoughts of love, lost or praise,
You give them honor with your presence,
And company in their hours of anguish,
You rule the night well with your brilliant glow,
Even on the nights we are granted only a glimpse of your wonder,
Although some have tip toed onto your surface,
Your magnificent spirit is claimed by no one,
You are not alone in your orbital drift,
But your infinite hold is stronger on the recesses of our hearts,
Alas, though you seem to stretch on until eternity,
Your time with us is but a brief fleeting moment,
As the sun comes peering into view, bidding for the sky,
His blaze casts you out, tucking you into your slumber.
And we are left empty in the absence of your glory,
Waiting, for you to ignite our darkened nights once more.


I am attracted to the title; a good twist you created by placing it in another language yet it retains simplicity. Maybe this is due to your experimenting, or my lack of knowledge, but the commas are countless. In my opinion I would suggest removing some commas and include more periods. Periods assist me in knowing where one idea ends/begins.
Every night my gaze meets yours oh splendid ivory moon, A romantic atmosphere you give your readers, matches with the title in a sense.
I often wonder as I sit staring out into your captivating soul, I believe 'wonder' is a word too commonly used. 'Marvel' would suit better, if you're willing.

What your mystic eyes have seen?
What secrets of the night do you alone possess?
Is there hope one day I can solve that mystery?
This is intriguing to read as you speak to the moon. Personification makes la luna seem more like a spirit/person than simply a rock floating in the sky. That's what I enjoy most about this poem, you create a relationship with the moon using your words.

You have servants’, who sing you sweet melodies, When I first came across this, it threw me off. Why do you have an apostrophe there? Plus I am not sure who the servants are. It does add mystery, but unfortunately bewilderment comes along with it in this case. I am guessing creatures of the night? Like insects, and frogs?

Peeking into their thoughts of love, lost or praise,
You give them honor with your presence,
And company in their hours of anguish,
Since I do not know for certain who the servants are, thus I am led into further confusion by this. Who is doing the peeking? The moon herself? It sounds nice, the words fit together, it's just the word servants do not seem to belong in here. Servants serve, but it seems like to me they are being served (You give them honor with your presence, and company in their hours of anguish) even if it is passively.

You are not alone in your orbital drift,
But your infinite hold is stronger on the recesses of our hearts, But doesn't flow well with this sentence, 'but' is usually used right before a protest or opposite statement.

As the sun comes peering into view, bidding for the sky,
His blaze casts you out, tucking you into your slumber.
And we are left empty in the absence of your glory,
Waiting, for you to ignite our darkened nights once more.

Written lovely :) The word ignite is an excellent word in this particular area. It creates imagery.

Keep experimenting, it was new and interesting. This is better, and your diction has improved. Well done.

[Shaun]

I have to admit I was biased reading it because I felt you went in this direction for the wrong reasons, but honestly, I am in awe. I agree with Destiny that I would have never thought of the moon in this light and now I wonder how I never noticed it's beauty before. I think Golden Howl has a point with the but thing and the servants, I think you are referring to wolves, maybe should be explained better or in more detail. I loved the orbital drift part and I thought the sun part was wicked cool cause it is like a bidding war. Amazing love.

[UNODRAGONE]

[FONT="Palatino Linotype"]
Maybe this is due to your experimenting, or my lack of knowledge, but the commas are countless. In my opinion I would suggest removing some commas and include more periods. Periods assist me in knowing where one idea ends/begins.

the commas at the end of each sentence??

I often wonder as I sit staring out into your captivating soul, I believe 'wonder' is a word too commonly used. 'Marvel' would suit better, if you're willing.

I think marvel is a better fit, I will put that in :)

What your mystic eyes have seen?
What secrets of the night do you alone possess?
Is there hope one day I can solve that mystery?
This is intriguing to read as you speak to the moon. Personification makes la luna seem more like a spirit/person than simply a rock floating in the sky. That's what I enjoy most about this poem, you create a relationship with the moon using your words.

:D

You have servants’, who sing you sweet melodies, When I first came across this, it threw me off. Why do you have an apostrophe there? Plus I am not sure who the servants are. It does add mystery, but unfortunately bewilderment comes along with it in this case. I am guessing creatures of the night? Like insects, and frogs?


I thought it would be obvious it's wolves :( I will see what I can do here to make that clearer


Peeking into their thoughts of love, lost or praise,
You give them honor with your presence,
And company in their hours of anguish,
Since I do not know for certain who the servants are, thus I am led into further confusion by this. Who is doing the peeking? The moon herself? It sounds nice, the words fit together, it's just the word servants do not seem to belong in here. Servants serve, but it seems like to me they are being served (You give them honor with your presence, and company in their hours of anguish) even if it is passively.

I think you are right with the servants part, need to find a better word

You are not alone in your orbital drift,
But your infinite hold is stronger on the recesses of our hearts, But doesn't flow well with this sentence, 'but' is usually used right before a protest or opposite statement.

hhmm I'll look at this part closer, my meaning behind it was that the moon is not alone, there are other planets but she stands out of all the rest



Keep experimenting, it was new and interesting. This is better, and your diction has improved. Well done.
:love:

[UNODRAGONE]

I revised the poem to the suggestions given (except the but one cause I think it works there but if you have a better suggestion I'm all ears)


La Luna


Every night my gaze meets yours oh splendid ivory moon,
Awing in your beauty and mystery,
Looking out as your luminous light casts shadows all around,
While you are nestled sweetly among the triumphant stars.
I often marvel as I sit staring out into your captivating soul,
what your mystic eyes have seen?
What secrets of the night do you alone possess?
Is there hope one day I can solve that mystery?
You have loyal lupinus warriors who sing you sweet melodies,
As you peek into their thoughts of love, lost or praise,
You give them honor with your presence,
And company in their hours of anguish.
You rule the night well with your brilliant glow,
Even on the nights we are granted only a glimpse of your wonder.
Although some have tip toed onto your surface,
Your magnificent spirit is claimed by no one.
You are not alone in your orbital drift,
But your infinite hold is stronger on the recesses of our hearts.
Alas, though you seem to stretch on until eternity,
Your time with us is but a brief fleeting moment,
As the sun comes peering into view, bidding for the sky,
His blaze casts you out, tucking you into your slumber.
And we are left empty in the absence of your glory.
Waiting, for you to ignite our darkened nights once more.

[Golden Howl]

the commas at the end of each sentence??
What?? :confused:


I thought it would be obvious it's wolves :( I will see what I can do here to make that clearer
Now I feel like an idiot. When you were describing the moon, I envisioned myself in my backyard. That was the problem, my mental eye limited itself. There are no wolves around here, so it didn't register. Plus you do know wolves don't howl at the moon, it's a myth. They happen to howl more often during a full moon, because she provides them with light during their hunts. I did the research :p


hhmm I'll look at this part closer, my meaning behind it was that the moon is not alone, there are other planets but she stands out of all the rest That makes sense, possibly work the word competition in there might help. :shrug:

[UNODRAGONE]

[QUOTE=Golden Howl;2519]
What?? :confused:

lol I was confused by what commas you were referring to but I think I fixed what your intent was


Now I feel like an idiot. When you were describing the moon, I envisioned myself in my backyard. That was the problem, my mental eye limited itself. There are no wolves around here, so it didn't register. Plus you do know wolves don't howl at the moon, it's a myth. They happen to howl more often during a full moon, because she provides them with light during their hunts. I did the research :p

you are not an idiot, I obviously did not do a good job with my words or else you would have gotten it. I fixed that part, hopefully it is better now. True, they don't howl at the moon, but it made a beautiful picture and they do howl when the moon is full...just for other reasons :p

That makes sense, possibly work the word competition in there might help. :shrug:

True, I'll see if I can word that better

[UNODRAGONE]

wrote this awhile ago but since I have been asked to post some poetry up, here ya go :) rip into guys :D

The little boy





It was a dark and stormy night,
The little boy laid in his bed a fright,
Listening to the wind howl through the tree’s,
Watching the windows being scratched by the leaves,
He lay awake as he did many nights,
With an eerie feeling in his tummy that something wasn’t right,
You see there had been some kids gone missing, actually quit a bit,
No clue on where they all went not even a hint,
The little boy wondered silently if he would be next,
He had no idea what had happened to the rest,
This thought filled him with such fear,
His eyes began to tear,
Then suddenly from outside,
A beckoning howl cried,
He ducked low underneath the sheets,
Trying to hide from the echoing shrieks,
Something was clawing at his window from outside,
The little boy quickly looked for a place to hide,
But before he could leave his bed,
A cool breeze blew by his head,
The window was open about half way,
He had no weapon the only thing he could do was pray,
He watched in horror waiting for his worst nightmare to come true,
And in slipped his little black cat out of the blue,
She curled up close to his side,
Looking for a place to hide,
Why are you so scared kitty what did you see?
He looked at the window and there stood an image as dark as can be,
It had pointy ears and ruffed up fur,
It looked at the cat but then its eyes turned,
To the little boy who shook in his bed,
Staring at its massive head,
Its eyes grew small its muzzle smiled wide,
Showing huge talon like teeth inside,
It laid on the window sill its huge front paws,
With black thick gripping claws,
Slowly it drifted into the room,
Quietly like a mouse hiding from a broom,
It stood up on its hind legs about seven feet high,
The little boy didn’t know what to do he began to cry,
Within a instant the beats was upon him,
It was a fight the boy had no chance to win,
With one hard shake the neck snapped like a twig,
Laying the body down its eyes grew big,
There were footsteps coming from outside the bedroom door,
The beast had to think quickly, there was blood pouring onto the floor,
With one giant leap the beast jumped out the window,
In his mouth the boys limp body was in tow,
With a couple of quick bonds he disappeared into the midnight brush,
When the mother opened the door instantly her heart was pounding her head was flushed,
Because there on the floor next to the little boys bed,
Was a spatter of blood and hairs from his head,
The sweet little boy was never found,
He became just like all the other kids who disappeared all around town,
Kids who became whispers in the wind,
Just like the little boy had feared would happen to him.

[Destiny]

AWESOME!! :rockon: I was hooked from the beginning. The thing I love about your poetry is that it always tells a story! :love: I did happen to see a few grammar and spelling mistakes, but besides that it's wonderful and captivating! :D

[UNODRAGONE]

AWESOME!! :rockon: I was hooked from the beginning. The thing I love about your poetry is that it always tells a story! :love: I did happen to see a few grammar and spelling mistakes, but besides that it's wonderful and captivating! :D


I hate Microsoft spell check lol if you could show me the mistakes I will correct them straight away :D

[Dragon]

Awesome (three piece suit), this poem is definitely suited for the fall that's just around the corner. Gives me a halloween feel or one of those horror short stories. The sounds you described gave such a vibe of paranoia, excellent as was the poem prior.

[Shaun]

I've always liked this one especially since I can place myself as that little boy being from a town were we keep our windows open at night. Well done love.

[GhostBat]

if you could show me the mistakes I will correct them straight away :D

Yes, instead of posting "I love this poem" or "I see spelling mistakes", it would be wise on everyone's part to post "I love this poem because..." or "Here are some of the spelling errors I found...".

Just as a warning, moderators are deleting posts that do not have content.

[Golden Howl]

It was a dark and stormy night,
The little boy laid in his bed a fright,

The grammar in the second sentence, I believe is incorrect. Also, a fright is one word. Laid is the past tense of lay. And lay is the past tense of lie. So you would rather write the sentence like this: "The little boy lay in his bed affright" http://www.planetoid.org/grammar_for_geeks/lie_vs_lay_vs_laid.html Check it out yourself.


Listening to the wind howl through the tree’s,
Watching the windows being scratched by the leaves,

Why is there an apostrophe on trees? The trees aren't owning anything. And it would be interesting/ have a better effect if you twisted the second sentence here, & use personification (Or emphasize it or alter the arrangement of words.) to spice it up.

He lay awake as he did many nights,
With an eerie feeling in his tummy that something wasn’t right,

Good, I believe this grammar is right. Don't trust me though, assure yourself by examining the website I provided.


You see there had been some kids gone missing, actually quit a bit,
No clue on where they all went not even a hint,

Did you use the word 'went' to ryhme with 'hint'? It's not worth it; you all ready have enough cheesy rhyming as it is. Use more creative/complex diction to settle in the effect. Disappear, vanish, evaporate, & much more are available.

I'll rip apart the rest later.