Random Joke Thread

[Eagle Kammback]

Funny Short Jokes

Q: What did the Dallas chief of police say when the elephant walked into the police station?
A: Nothing! He didn't notice.

Q: Why do elephants have big ears?
A: Because Noddy would not pay the ransom!

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Have you ever seen a yellow elephant?

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a purple elephant?
A: Paint him red, hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.

Q: How many elephants will fit into a Mini?
A: Four: Two in the front, two in the back.
Q: How many giraffes will fit into a Mini?
A: None. It's full of elephants.
Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini?
A: Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.[1]
Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can hear giggling when the light goes out.
Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can't close the door.
Q: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
A: The Mini is parked outside.


Q: What do elephants have that nothing else has?
A: Baby elephants.
Q: What is gray, has four legs, and a trunk?
A: A mouse going on vacation.
Q: What is brown, has four legs, and a trunk?
A: A mouse coming back from vacation.
Q: What has eight legs, two trunks, four eyes, and two tails?
A: Two elephants.


Q: Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly?
A: Because if it was small, white and hard it would be an aspirin.
Q: Why are golf balls small and white?
A: Because if they were big and grey they would be elephants.

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a plum?
A: Their color.
Q: What did Tarzan say to Jane when he saw the elephants coming?
A: Here come the elephants.
Q: What did Jane say to Tarzan when she saw the elephants coming?
A: Here come the plums; she was color blind.

[Chiron Jackal]

Someone told a friend a joke about "Why are so many Italian kids named 'Tony'?" Because it's what they write on their shirts when they put 'em on the boat; "To NY."

It was such a shitty joke that I cannot help but love it.

:love: shitty jokes.

[Shining Wolf]

These jokes are shitty as well, I was playing Matchmaking on Halo 3 and ran into some dudes with southern accents and they started telling Helen Keller jokes.

Needless to say I added them to my friends list.



Why does Helen Keller have holes in her face? She tried eating with a fork.

How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face? She answered the iron.

How did she burn the other side? They called back.

What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well? She screamed her hands off.

How do you get Helen Keller to keep a secret? Break her fingers.

[UNODRAGONE]

You know you are living in 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
: )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list .

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

[Chiron Jackal]

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
: )
I have the maddening desire to run around compulsively doing that!

[UNODRAGONE]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity



1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ' I Won! I
Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking
lot, Yelling.... 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are
Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO
THE COUNTER AND ASK Where THE FITTING ROOM IS.

[Eagle Kammback]

THE BLOND OF ALL JOKES:



This blond decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these

blond jokes and how all blonds are perceived as stupid. So, she

decides to show her husband that blonds really are smart.


While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint

a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband

leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.


Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of

paint.. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the

floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka

and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she

if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that

she wanted to prove to him that not all blond women are dumb, and she

wanted to do it by painting the house.


He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She

replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it

said...



You'll love this...





Yep. I know you will...
















"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

[UNODRAGONE]

The Small White Dot

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. "It's a period," he replied.
"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a period?

"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was missing one, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy." :D

[Eagle Kammback]

I took a viagra last night
it got caught in my throat
now my neck is stiff

[Alleycat]

One day a man was talking to the ghost of his grandfather.

Man: How long is a million years to a ghost?

Ghost: It is but a second.

Man: Really? Then how much is a million dollars to a ghost?

Ghost: It is but a cent.

Man: Then can I have one of your cents?

Ghost: Sure, just wait a second.

[demonic_monkey]

What is funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume.

What is the difference between a baby and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up the baby.

What is the difference between a dead baby and a water melon?
One's fun to hit with a sledge hammer, the other one's a water melon.

What is the difference between a baby and a dart-board?
Dart-boards don't bleed.

What is the difference between a baby and a mars bar?
About 500 calories.

Why did the family take the dead baby along on the cookout?
So they could light it and toast their marshmallows.

Why was the dead baby kept in the kitchen drawer?
The family used it to crack nuts.

Why do people keep dead babies in the rec. room?
They cut off one leg and use it as a ping pong paddle.

Why do you put babies into blenders feet first?
So you can see the expression on their faces.

Why do they boil water when a baby is being born?
So that if its born dead they can make soup.

Why did the baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.

How many babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?
It depends on how hard you squeeze them.

How many babies fit in a blender?
Depends on how powerful the blender is.

How do you know when a baby is dead?
It doesn't cry if you nail its feet to the ceiling.

How do you find the live baby in a pile of dead ones?
Jab 'em all with a pitchfork.

How do you save a drowning baby?
Harpoon it.

How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Pour gas over it and light a match. Woof.

How do you turn a baby into a cat?
Freeze it solid, then run it through a bandsaw. Meeow.

How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
With a blender.
How do you get them out again?
With Doritos.

How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off its head.
or:
A glass of soda water and 2 scoops of baby.

What do you call a dead baby pinned to your wall?
Art.

What is red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A baby in a microwave.

What is blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of the pool?
Baby with slashed floaties.

What is red and yellow and floats at the top of the pool?
Floaties with a slashed baby.

What is red and hangs around trees?
A baby hit by a snow blower.

What is green and hangs around trees?
Same baby 3 weeks later.

What is pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.

What is pink and goes black with a "hiss."?
A baby thrown into a furnace.

What is brown and gurgles?
A baby in a casserole.

What is purple, covered in pus, and squeals?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

What is black and goes up and down?
A baby in a toaster.

What is red and goes round and round?
A baby in a garbage disposal.

What is red and swings back and forth?
A baby on a meat hook.

What is red, screams, and goes around in circles?
A baby nailed to the floor.

What is red and sits in the corner?
A baby with razor blades.

What is blue and sits in the corner?
A baby in a baggie.

What is black and sits in a corner?
A baby with it's finger in a power socket.

What is green and sits in the corner?
Same baby two weeks later.

What is black and charred?
A baby chewing on an extension cord.

What is black and white, runs around the room, and smokes?
A baby with his hair on fire.

What is blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
A baby with a punctured lung.

What is cold, blue and doesn't move?
A baby in your freezer.

What is pink, flies and squeals?
A baby fired from a catapult.

What do you call the baby when it lands?
Free pizza.

What is red and has more brains than the baby you just shot?
The wall behind it.

What is white and glows pink?
A dead baby with an electrode up its ass.

What is more fun than nailing a baby to a wall?
Ripping it off again.

What is more fun than throwing a baby off the cliff?
Catching it with a pitchfork.

What is more fun than swinging babies around on a clothesline?
Stopping them with a shovel.

What is more fun than shoveling dead babies off your porch?
Doing it with a snow blower.

What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller?
A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler.

What bounces up and down at 100mph?
A baby tied to the back of a truck.

What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
Twins in an acid bath.

What is red and pink and can't turn round in a corridor?
A baby with a javelin through its throat.

What is little and can't fit through a door?
A baby with a spear in its head.

What is the definition of fun?
Playing fetch with a pitbull and a baby.

What has 4 legs and one arm?
A doberman on a children's playground.

What has 10 arms and blood all over it?
A pitbull in front of a pile of dead babies.

What is red and pink and hanging out of your dog's mouth?
Your baby's leg.

What present do you get for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.

What is grosser than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?
One dead baby nailed to ten trees.

What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?
100 dead babies in a trash can.
What is worse than that?
There's a live one at the bottom.
What is worse than that?
It eats its way out.
What is worse than that?
It comes back for seconds.

Know what's gross?
Running over a baby with a truck.
Know whats worse?
Skidding on it.
Worse than that?
Peeling it off the tires.

What is the worst part about killing a baby?
Getting blood on your clown suit.

[BlueCresentmoon]

Q): what's the difference between light and hard?...
_________________________________________________
...
..
.
...
..
.
..
...

A): you can sleep with a light on.

:D

[Lithium]

On a similar note to the dead baby post:

What do you call a dead man you found in the river?
Bob.

What do you call a man run over by a steam roller?
Matt.

What do you call a man killed with a shovel?
Doug.

What do you call a woman with one leg?
Ilene.

What do you call a man killed by a knife?
Nick.

[PsychoWolfy92]

These jokes are shitty as well, I was playing Matchmaking on Halo 3


Why does Helen Keller have holes in her face? She tried eating with a fork.

How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face? She answered the iron.

How did she burn the other side? They called back.

What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well? She screamed her hands off.

How do you get Helen Keller to keep a secret? Break her fingers.

Nice lolz i like that good jokes :cool: i dont play much of matchmakeing on halo 3 well erm i have no one really on my friends list that wants to really play with me on halo since there all playing red dead redemption which i really want bad >,<
>PsychoWolfy92< gamer tag

You know you are living in 2008 when...

ROFL! I sent this to my boyfriend he is going to get a kick from it XD

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

LOLZ i should try that XD

THE BLOND OF ALL JOKES:

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

Nice i should say this to my sister she is blond lolz XD

I took a viagra last night
it got caught in my throat
now my neck is stiff

Lol:D

[Animela]

lol laughing my head off

[BlueCresentmoon]

Funny Short Jokes

Q: What did the Dallas chief of police say when the elephant walked into the police station?
A: Nothing! He didn't notice.

Q: Why do elephants have big ears?
A: Because Noddy would not pay the ransom!

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Have you ever seen a yellow elephant?

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a purple elephant?
A: Paint him red, hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.

Q: How many elephants will fit into a Mini?
A: Four: Two in the front, two in the back.
Q: How many giraffes will fit into a Mini?
A: None. It's full of elephants.
Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini?
A: Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.[1]
Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can hear giggling when the light goes out.
Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can't close the door.
Q: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
A: The Mini is parked outside.


Q: What do elephants have that nothing else has?
A: Baby elephants.
Q: What is gray, has four legs, and a trunk?
A: A mouse going on vacation.
Q: What is brown, has four legs, and a trunk?
A: A mouse coming back from vacation.
Q: What has eight legs, two trunks, four eyes, and two tails?
A: Two elephants.


Q: Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly?
A: Because if it was small, white and hard it would be an aspirin.
Q: Why are golf balls small and white?
A: Because if they were big and grey they would be elephants.

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a plum?
A: Their color.
Q: What did Tarzan say to Jane when he saw the elephants coming?
A: Here come the elephants.
Q: What did Jane say to Tarzan when she saw the elephants coming?
A: Here come the plums; she was color blind.

those are the worst jokes I've ever heard!!! just reading them made me disgusted that yu even posted such garbage not worth reading. I feel like a little piece of me died inside from reading that stupid, horribly NOT FUNNY post. I wonder if your parents got divorced, would they STILL be brother and sister?...

[Animela]

those are the worst jokes I've ever heard!!! just reading them made me disgusted that yu even posted such garbage not worth reading. I feel like a little piece of me died inside from reading that stupid, horribly NOT FUNNY post. I wonder if your parents got divorced, would they STILL be brother and sister?...

i completly disagree with you no offesne but these are pretty funny... its not usless though... its in teh funny's thread so it belongs here... besides
these are pretty... well better than teh ones in this joke book i got quite a few years ago

oh here's one

What's teh difference between a duck and a cat
one will have a prrfect day while teh other pays teh bills

[katra]

These jokes are shitty as well, I was playing Matchmaking on Halo 3 and ran into some dudes with southern accents and they started telling Helen Keller jokes.

Needless to say I added them to my friends list.



Why does Helen Keller have holes in her face? She tried eating with a fork.

How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face? She answered the iron.

How did she burn the other side? They called back.

What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well? She screamed her hands off.

How do you get Helen Keller to keep a secret? Break her fingers.


I am sorry I did NOT find this funny.I am related to Helen Keller.

[Chriz]

I am sorry I did NOT find this funny.I am related to Helen Keller.

You'll like these, then.

How do you Punish Hellen Keller?
Give her a basketball and tell her to read it.

What is Helen Keller's favorite color?
Velcro

Why was Helen Keller's leg wet?
Her dog was blind too

How come Helen Keller didn't scream when she fell off the cliff?
She was wearing mittens

Have you heard of the new Helen Keller doll?
Wind it up and it walks into walls

Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?
You would too if your name was 'Urghrrghrghr'

Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?
She's a woman

Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in the backyard?
Neither did she

How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
On a blind date!

Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's diaper?
So she could always find him

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other.

[Bill the Butcher]

I can see how some people wouldn't find the Helen Keller jokes funny. But that is the point - they are meant to be insensitive and crude. It doesn't mean the person posting them hates blind people or has contempt for them.

And I've always found that there is an effective remedy for things you don't like online.

Don't read them.

[Vendetta]

Are you guys kidding?! The best joke in this thread has been: "I am related to Helen Keller."

[<\Mutt/>]

33 of the funniest answers:

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible,Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children,Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.





17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.”. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

23. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.

24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is In the East and the sun sets in the West.

30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of river to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

[Grimsy Grimbols]

Let's have some epic word-play :D

1)Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


2) A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.


3)A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


4)Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

5)A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


6)Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

7)A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

8)"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"Well, "It's Not Unusual."

9)A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

10)A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

11)A dyslexic man walks into a bra

[Eagle Kammback]

Three expectant mothers were sitting in the obstetrician’s waiting room. Two of the women where chit-chatting about their pregnancies when one of the women said to the other, “I happen to know that my baby is going to be a boy, because when my baby was conceived, my husband was on top.”

The other woman gleefully replied, “Oh! That must mean that I’m going to have a girl, because when my baby was conceived I was on top.”

The third woman suddenly burst noisily into tears. Concerned, the other two ladies looked to her and asked, “My heavens, what ever is wrong?” The woman cried tearfully, “I’m having a puppy!”

[buzzsaw133]

A man walks into the bar, he's pretty new so the bartender doesn't really think much about it. He sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Many beers later, the drunk gets up and goes to the bathroom.

All of a sudden, a bloodcurdling scream erupts from the bathroom. Not being a fool, the bartender walks over to the bathroom and when he gets to the door, he hears another scream.

"Jesus christ man, what is the matter?" The bartender rushes in.

"Everytime I flush, something jumps up and grabs my balls." The drunk replied.

To which the bartender replied. "You idiot, your sitting on the mop bucket."