Xavious
04-05-2005, 07:55 PM
I’ve been saving up for this one. A bunch of jokes about preachers from preachers and a few other religious jokes. Enjoy.
From: Several preachers at my church
Beginning the Sermon
Most preachers begin the Sunday service the same way. Well there was this one preacher who always began his sermons the same way. He’d always say “I’m glad to be here this morning, I’m glad you’re here, and I believe the world is a better place because you are here.” Well one day he was called to preach at a prison. So the next Sunday he began “I’m glad to be here, I’m glad you’re here, and I believe the world is a better place because you are here.”
There was a man talking to the preacher one Sunday after church. The mans wife had been suffering from cancer for a long time. The preacher asked, “So how’s your wife?” Man said “She died yesterday and is in Heaven now”. Preacher said “I’m sorry to here that” and then he thought, “That don’t sound right, sorry that she’s in Heaven.” So the preacher said, “I mean that’s good.” But he got to thinking again and thought “That don’t sound right either, good that she’s dead.” He thought for a few seconds and finally said, “Well I’m surprised.”
One Man Service
There was this preacher who lived in the mountains. One Sunday there came a big snowstorm. Preacher said to himself “Nobody is going to be out in this weather. I might as well stay home.” He debated over whether or not to go but finally went since it was his duty to go if no one else did. When he got to the church there was one person waiting for him to unlock the door. He was a farmer from a few miles down the road.
After waiting half an hour no one else showed up. The preacher walked to the farmer and said “You might as well go home, no one else is going to show up.” But the farmer said, “You know when I go to feed the cows, it doesn’t matter if only one shows up I still feed that one.” The preacher felt inspired by the farmers words and walked back up to the pulpit and began to preach up a storm. At the end of the service the farmer walked back up to the preacher and said, “Just because I feed that one doesn’t mean I feed him a whole truckload!”
From: Reverend Ernest Lee Sincere
The Watermelon
I just got back from a Ministerial Conference in Atlanta. Only bad thing was I came down with some stomach virus and missed the big Saturday conclusion to it. I’d like to thank my friend Reverend Calvin Robinson for stepping in and guest hosting for me. So Calvin called me Saturday night to give me a debriefing of how the conference went. He said “Well, everything went fine except we had a little problem with the fresh produce on the buffet.”
I said “Well what do you mean, what happened?”
“You know ole farmer Johnson? I think he pulled a little trick on us. You know that watermelon he sent for the buffet? It was spiked!”
“What!”
“Yeah that watermelon he sent over here was full of vodka!”
“Oh no, oh no. What did all the preachers have to say about that?”
“Well they didn’t say nothing, they were too busy fillin’ seeds in their pocket.”
From: “Goober”
The Preachers Bike
We had a preacher come to town one day. Relatively new, been in town three or four weeks and he was always riding a bicycle wherever he went. It was a small town, didn’t need a car, the bike was all he needed to get around. I saw him walking down the street one day and asked “Preacher where your bike at?”
He said “I don’t know, I reckon somebody stole that thing, cause I just can’t find it nowhere.”
“Well I got an idea as to how you can get your bike back, preacher”
“Yeah?”
“Yep.”
“Well tell me about it.”
“This Sunday why don’t you preach on the Ten Commandments and then when you get that one about ‘Thou Shall Not Steal’ bare down on it real hard. Whoever stole your bicycle will feel guilty, be convicted, and give your bicycle back. That’s all you got to do, that’ll work.”
“You reckon that’ll work?”
“Yeah”
“You reckon that’ll-“
“Yeah.”
“You reckon-"
”Yes!”
“Well I’m going to try it.”
Next week here comes the preacher on his bicycle. I stopped him and said “Hey preacher, I guess that sermon about the Ten Commandments worked didn’t it.”
”Well I guess you could say that.”
“Just like I said wasn’t? You bared down on about ‘Thou Shall Not Steal’ and he felt guilty and brought your bike back.”
“Well not exactly. When I got to the one that says ‘Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left my bike at.”
From: Several preachers at my church
Beginning the Sermon
Most preachers begin the Sunday service the same way. Well there was this one preacher who always began his sermons the same way. He’d always say “I’m glad to be here this morning, I’m glad you’re here, and I believe the world is a better place because you are here.” Well one day he was called to preach at a prison. So the next Sunday he began “I’m glad to be here, I’m glad you’re here, and I believe the world is a better place because you are here.”
There was a man talking to the preacher one Sunday after church. The mans wife had been suffering from cancer for a long time. The preacher asked, “So how’s your wife?” Man said “She died yesterday and is in Heaven now”. Preacher said “I’m sorry to here that” and then he thought, “That don’t sound right, sorry that she’s in Heaven.” So the preacher said, “I mean that’s good.” But he got to thinking again and thought “That don’t sound right either, good that she’s dead.” He thought for a few seconds and finally said, “Well I’m surprised.”
One Man Service
There was this preacher who lived in the mountains. One Sunday there came a big snowstorm. Preacher said to himself “Nobody is going to be out in this weather. I might as well stay home.” He debated over whether or not to go but finally went since it was his duty to go if no one else did. When he got to the church there was one person waiting for him to unlock the door. He was a farmer from a few miles down the road.
After waiting half an hour no one else showed up. The preacher walked to the farmer and said “You might as well go home, no one else is going to show up.” But the farmer said, “You know when I go to feed the cows, it doesn’t matter if only one shows up I still feed that one.” The preacher felt inspired by the farmers words and walked back up to the pulpit and began to preach up a storm. At the end of the service the farmer walked back up to the preacher and said, “Just because I feed that one doesn’t mean I feed him a whole truckload!”
From: Reverend Ernest Lee Sincere
The Watermelon
I just got back from a Ministerial Conference in Atlanta. Only bad thing was I came down with some stomach virus and missed the big Saturday conclusion to it. I’d like to thank my friend Reverend Calvin Robinson for stepping in and guest hosting for me. So Calvin called me Saturday night to give me a debriefing of how the conference went. He said “Well, everything went fine except we had a little problem with the fresh produce on the buffet.”
I said “Well what do you mean, what happened?”
“You know ole farmer Johnson? I think he pulled a little trick on us. You know that watermelon he sent for the buffet? It was spiked!”
“What!”
“Yeah that watermelon he sent over here was full of vodka!”
“Oh no, oh no. What did all the preachers have to say about that?”
“Well they didn’t say nothing, they were too busy fillin’ seeds in their pocket.”
From: “Goober”
The Preachers Bike
We had a preacher come to town one day. Relatively new, been in town three or four weeks and he was always riding a bicycle wherever he went. It was a small town, didn’t need a car, the bike was all he needed to get around. I saw him walking down the street one day and asked “Preacher where your bike at?”
He said “I don’t know, I reckon somebody stole that thing, cause I just can’t find it nowhere.”
“Well I got an idea as to how you can get your bike back, preacher”
“Yeah?”
“Yep.”
“Well tell me about it.”
“This Sunday why don’t you preach on the Ten Commandments and then when you get that one about ‘Thou Shall Not Steal’ bare down on it real hard. Whoever stole your bicycle will feel guilty, be convicted, and give your bicycle back. That’s all you got to do, that’ll work.”
“You reckon that’ll work?”
“Yeah”
“You reckon that’ll-“
“Yeah.”
“You reckon-"
”Yes!”
“Well I’m going to try it.”
Next week here comes the preacher on his bicycle. I stopped him and said “Hey preacher, I guess that sermon about the Ten Commandments worked didn’t it.”
”Well I guess you could say that.”
“Just like I said wasn’t? You bared down on about ‘Thou Shall Not Steal’ and he felt guilty and brought your bike back.”
“Well not exactly. When I got to the one that says ‘Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left my bike at.”