Amethyst
08-17-2003, 11:48 PM
As posted in my Livejournal circa March 2003. Yay for satirical rants. (While mostly humourous, I give serious advice in parts. Chriz, feel free to move this if you think it's better suited to General.)
--
Has common sense truly become an oxymoron?
Junk mail. I'm sick of having to block my friends because they only ever send me chain letters, hoaxes, and whiny "send this back to me or I'll know you're not my friend!" forwards. If you're searching for the missing link between humans and apes, just create an e-mail account, give the address to all your friends, and watch the absurdity roll in.
I've noticed that Dumb Forwards™ always fall into one of nine categories. (These can be further broken up into even more ridiculous groups.) Basically, you've got:
1. The threatening chain letter.
"Send this to 25 people in the next ten seconds or I will personally hunt you down and [set fire to your house, kill your cat, steal your Viagra]. I've done it before. Look!" Followed by disturbing pictures of burn victims and people run over by trucks, all of which are readily available for download on the 'net. This is not only implausible, it's just plain ridiculous. I would laugh if I weren't pissed off by the fact that some people take this seriously. I propose that my gang of l33t w3r3$ and I take an M-16 and pump bullets into anyone stupid enough to send this on. Natural selection, anyone?
2. The magic chain letter.
These letters rely primarily on the ignorance of the sender. (Well, as do the following examples, but this is a special case. Read on.) The letter starts out with a stupid poem, pictures of cute kitty cats, or some other inane filler. Then the text instructs us to "Make a Wish!" followed by ten pages of arrows. Astoundingly witty comments such as "Don't wish for that, you perv! ;)" are sometimes laced among the arrows. The letter finally ends with huge text in blinding colours. Once the pain in your retinas subsides, you'll be instructed to pass the forward on. It works ladder-style. The more people you send it to, the more likely your wish is to come true. If I send it to 50 people, can I come over there and kick your ass?
For some reason, the letter writer often ignores your wish entirely and instead promises that your crush will kiss you or ask you out. Crush? Where the hell did that come from? These are good for a laugh if you can get over your initial anger at the quiz maker for wasting your Simpsons time. Inhale blue... exhale red...
3. The urban legend.
A little more believeable than the previous two, but I shall still dub you a moron if you don't do a little research beforehand. I was recently sent a letter warning me of a new date rape drug, Progesterex. Vets supposedly use it to sterilize horses, and taking one pill can permanently render a woman infertile. What a godsend for anyone considering a hysterectomy! Two seconds of searching on Google revealed that this is a scam. The same goes for letters that ask you to delete computer files that are not actually viruses. If it sounds at all fishy, look it up!
Hey, Giselle. The word "gullible" is written on the ceiling. I'm VERY tempted to start a chain letter that asks readers to delete the entire contents of their hard drive... or follow a sequence that prevents their computer from starting up. Sounds cruel, but whose fault would it truly be if they went through with it?
4. Quizzes or surveys.
Your typical survey has twenty-odd questions, none of which are interesting in the least. Name? Favourite colour? Do you like guys with or without hats? This isn't stupid as much as it is POINTLESS! Of course, The Pointless Quiz would not be complete without sending six carbon copies each to everyone on your buddy list just to make sure we all receive it. Because, you know, it's absolutely vital that we know the minutest details of your life!
5. Psychic quizzes.
By answering a series of senseless questions numbered one to ten, the computer will magically know what my personality is like, where I'll live when I'm older, and the number of sexual partners I will have in my lifetime. Gee. Who needs Ouija boards when you have this?! One variant will ask you to choose a number and divide and multiply it a few times, and then the resulting number is given. Wow. Magic!... if simple math can be considered magical. Then again, I doubt anyone who believes this stuff has gotten very far past third grade.
6. The well-meaning chain letter.
Little Sukhjit is living in the slums of India with his fifteen brothers and sisters. He has a horrible debilitating disease that needs immediate medical attention. For every person you send this to, some big charity will donate 2 cents to the Save Sukhjit Fund. Unfortunately, this letter screams "SCAM" to anyone with an IQ above 50. Because, my friends, there is no way to track the number of e-mails you send unless the other party has somehow installed spyware on your computer. It just ain't possible. Make a real difference by donating money to-- or volunteering at-- a legitimate charity. But you weren't willing to expend that much effort, were you?
7. "Hotmail is shutting down."
This could technically fit into #3, but this e-mail is so common that it deserves a category of its own. An official-sounding letter announces that Hotmail is erasing some of its userbase. It encourages you to pass it on to a certain number of people. This will supposedly assure the big cats at Hotmail that your account is indeed "active", and thus it will not be erased. I wonder if it occurs to anyone that the people at Hotmail themselves would notify its users if the company were making such a drastic move?
For God's sake, real letters from MSN/Hotmail have their own icon that is readily visible beside the subject line. And as aforementioned, there is no way Hotmail can track the number of e-mails you send. Your account is kept active by signing in and making sure your inbox stays under the allotted number of kilobytes. As is repeatedly stated in the rules when you sign up. Morons.
Heck, if it matters to you that much, get a second account at Yahoo!. Your whole life should not depend on one e-mail address.
8. The friendship forward.
People with nonexistent self-esteem are mysteriously compelled to send out these letters like the stereotypical moths drawn to the flame. It starts with an overly happy poem that makes your average teenager look like Wordsworth in comparison. This is accompanied by the obligatory smiley faces, flowers, and pictures of kitties romping in sunny fields.
End vomit-inducing poem. The text now tells you to forward this crap to your friends, colleagues, boss, dentist, and mailman lest they hate you forever! Some versions include the ominous "I'll know you're not my friend if I don't get this back from you." Fine with me. If a dumb forward is all it takes to find out who your real friends are, you're either an idiot who's not deserving of anyone's friendship or you have extremely low standards for others. Waaaait. I'll draw a picture for you. I must be a REALLY good friend now! I expect to be showered with your attention, money, and free round-trip tickets to Costa Rica.
9. Letters that just plain have no point.
Said letters will usually have a stupid gimmick such as trying to compile a list of names or promising to magically show the name of your crush or a picture of celebrities kissing-- what a novelty-- when you forward it and press a certain combination of keys. Stop wasting my time and yours.
There you have it. Not all quizzes are a waste of time, and some forwards are funny enough to send on. But don't keep sending worthless crap to your friends or you may discover that you have none left when the month is up.
--
Has common sense truly become an oxymoron?
Junk mail. I'm sick of having to block my friends because they only ever send me chain letters, hoaxes, and whiny "send this back to me or I'll know you're not my friend!" forwards. If you're searching for the missing link between humans and apes, just create an e-mail account, give the address to all your friends, and watch the absurdity roll in.
I've noticed that Dumb Forwards™ always fall into one of nine categories. (These can be further broken up into even more ridiculous groups.) Basically, you've got:
1. The threatening chain letter.
"Send this to 25 people in the next ten seconds or I will personally hunt you down and [set fire to your house, kill your cat, steal your Viagra]. I've done it before. Look!" Followed by disturbing pictures of burn victims and people run over by trucks, all of which are readily available for download on the 'net. This is not only implausible, it's just plain ridiculous. I would laugh if I weren't pissed off by the fact that some people take this seriously. I propose that my gang of l33t w3r3$ and I take an M-16 and pump bullets into anyone stupid enough to send this on. Natural selection, anyone?
2. The magic chain letter.
These letters rely primarily on the ignorance of the sender. (Well, as do the following examples, but this is a special case. Read on.) The letter starts out with a stupid poem, pictures of cute kitty cats, or some other inane filler. Then the text instructs us to "Make a Wish!" followed by ten pages of arrows. Astoundingly witty comments such as "Don't wish for that, you perv! ;)" are sometimes laced among the arrows. The letter finally ends with huge text in blinding colours. Once the pain in your retinas subsides, you'll be instructed to pass the forward on. It works ladder-style. The more people you send it to, the more likely your wish is to come true. If I send it to 50 people, can I come over there and kick your ass?
For some reason, the letter writer often ignores your wish entirely and instead promises that your crush will kiss you or ask you out. Crush? Where the hell did that come from? These are good for a laugh if you can get over your initial anger at the quiz maker for wasting your Simpsons time. Inhale blue... exhale red...
3. The urban legend.
A little more believeable than the previous two, but I shall still dub you a moron if you don't do a little research beforehand. I was recently sent a letter warning me of a new date rape drug, Progesterex. Vets supposedly use it to sterilize horses, and taking one pill can permanently render a woman infertile. What a godsend for anyone considering a hysterectomy! Two seconds of searching on Google revealed that this is a scam. The same goes for letters that ask you to delete computer files that are not actually viruses. If it sounds at all fishy, look it up!
Hey, Giselle. The word "gullible" is written on the ceiling. I'm VERY tempted to start a chain letter that asks readers to delete the entire contents of their hard drive... or follow a sequence that prevents their computer from starting up. Sounds cruel, but whose fault would it truly be if they went through with it?
4. Quizzes or surveys.
Your typical survey has twenty-odd questions, none of which are interesting in the least. Name? Favourite colour? Do you like guys with or without hats? This isn't stupid as much as it is POINTLESS! Of course, The Pointless Quiz would not be complete without sending six carbon copies each to everyone on your buddy list just to make sure we all receive it. Because, you know, it's absolutely vital that we know the minutest details of your life!
5. Psychic quizzes.
By answering a series of senseless questions numbered one to ten, the computer will magically know what my personality is like, where I'll live when I'm older, and the number of sexual partners I will have in my lifetime. Gee. Who needs Ouija boards when you have this?! One variant will ask you to choose a number and divide and multiply it a few times, and then the resulting number is given. Wow. Magic!... if simple math can be considered magical. Then again, I doubt anyone who believes this stuff has gotten very far past third grade.
6. The well-meaning chain letter.
Little Sukhjit is living in the slums of India with his fifteen brothers and sisters. He has a horrible debilitating disease that needs immediate medical attention. For every person you send this to, some big charity will donate 2 cents to the Save Sukhjit Fund. Unfortunately, this letter screams "SCAM" to anyone with an IQ above 50. Because, my friends, there is no way to track the number of e-mails you send unless the other party has somehow installed spyware on your computer. It just ain't possible. Make a real difference by donating money to-- or volunteering at-- a legitimate charity. But you weren't willing to expend that much effort, were you?
7. "Hotmail is shutting down."
This could technically fit into #3, but this e-mail is so common that it deserves a category of its own. An official-sounding letter announces that Hotmail is erasing some of its userbase. It encourages you to pass it on to a certain number of people. This will supposedly assure the big cats at Hotmail that your account is indeed "active", and thus it will not be erased. I wonder if it occurs to anyone that the people at Hotmail themselves would notify its users if the company were making such a drastic move?
For God's sake, real letters from MSN/Hotmail have their own icon that is readily visible beside the subject line. And as aforementioned, there is no way Hotmail can track the number of e-mails you send. Your account is kept active by signing in and making sure your inbox stays under the allotted number of kilobytes. As is repeatedly stated in the rules when you sign up. Morons.
Heck, if it matters to you that much, get a second account at Yahoo!. Your whole life should not depend on one e-mail address.
8. The friendship forward.
People with nonexistent self-esteem are mysteriously compelled to send out these letters like the stereotypical moths drawn to the flame. It starts with an overly happy poem that makes your average teenager look like Wordsworth in comparison. This is accompanied by the obligatory smiley faces, flowers, and pictures of kitties romping in sunny fields.
End vomit-inducing poem. The text now tells you to forward this crap to your friends, colleagues, boss, dentist, and mailman lest they hate you forever! Some versions include the ominous "I'll know you're not my friend if I don't get this back from you." Fine with me. If a dumb forward is all it takes to find out who your real friends are, you're either an idiot who's not deserving of anyone's friendship or you have extremely low standards for others. Waaaait. I'll draw a picture for you. I must be a REALLY good friend now! I expect to be showered with your attention, money, and free round-trip tickets to Costa Rica.
9. Letters that just plain have no point.
Said letters will usually have a stupid gimmick such as trying to compile a list of names or promising to magically show the name of your crush or a picture of celebrities kissing-- what a novelty-- when you forward it and press a certain combination of keys. Stop wasting my time and yours.
There you have it. Not all quizzes are a waste of time, and some forwards are funny enough to send on. But don't keep sending worthless crap to your friends or you may discover that you have none left when the month is up.