Puns Galore

[War Wolf]

I felt that puns deserved their own thread. They are unique! And to start things off:

Two boll weevils were born down in the south. One decided to go to make his fortune, the other one stayed in the old home town. The first weevil became rich and famous! A great actor and writer, contributing to many charities. The other one didn't do much with his life, just stayed around that old town, which made him the lesser of two weevils!

[War Wolf]

I was walking through the forest one day and I spyed a peculiar sight. I saw a tree surrounded by ten beavers! Well, I just knew that tree was doomed, but then, in the finest display of combat foliage tactics I have ever seen, that tree started batting those beavers away left and right! A couple flew into the pond some dozens of feet away! Then I realized why that tree couldn't lose, It was Spruce Lee!
:D :beerchug:
Thank you, thank you.

[Raging Wookie]

Well I'm new here and I have got to say war wolf those two puns are relly head bangers :banghead:you must be proud of your self, heres one I made up my self :there was once fish one left his school and went on to be a great explorer in the fish groups wile another fish went on to be a star in an ell band. but I cant go in to that becuse that would be a tale of two fish's :D I hope you all like this :beerchug:

[War Wolf]

Oooh, beautiful!
Here's one: This guy was walking down the street one day and.....
Hold on one minute, I know you! Welcome dude! To those reading this thread, know that Raging Wookie is my sword brother! I was wondering whether you would get on here! :beerchug:
Here's the rest of my pun: This guy was walking down the street one day and he sees another guy and a kid around the age of 14 coming toward him. Off to the right, he sees this thing coming toward him to the left of the kid. It was the ear of a donkey! As it zipped right by the kid, he looked at it and took off after it! When the teenager ran past, the guy walked up to the teen's companion and asked, "What is that kid doing?" The dude said, "Oh, you know how they are at that age, they'll chase any old piece of ass!" :D


To the moderators, sorry if that counts as cursing. Please don't shut this thread down!

[Boogahbo]

Those are great! :D

[Hellcat]

Okay i got one.
A guy applies for a job at a zoo. After telling a few tall tales he gets employed. His employer puts him in with the finches. Well the guy has never looked after an animal before, he looks at the birds and didn't have a clue what he was supposed to do with them so he beat them to death with a large stick and fed them to the lions. Later that day he was put in with the chimps. Once gain he didn't have a clue what to do with them so he battered them to death and fed them to the lions. A bit later on he was asked to look after the bees. Now this guy really didn't like bees so he gased them all out, squashed them to death and then fed them to lions. The next day a new lion arrived at the zoo. He looks around his new pride and introduced himself. After the formalities he says to the other lions "what are the meals like in this place". The other lions smile, and the head of the pride says "oh just marvelous my friend, yesterday we had finch, chimps and mushy bees"

[Raging Wookie]

I'm glad you all liked those and hellcat that was great :D as War Wolf said we are sword brothers and have known each other for a while. Any way heres a pun for you all: This doctor was called in an emergency for this little boy, it seames he swallowed a hand full of quarters, the doctor said to wait for them to pass on through,about a week later the doctor asked he nurse about the little boy and the nurse said:well doctor no change yet :D

[Hellcat]

Man: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a snooker ball
Doctor: get to the back of the cue

[spawnofFenrir]

Doctor doctor i think ive got a rabbit on my chest
Dont worry its only a hare!

Doctor doctor i fell like a pair of curtains
Pull yourself together man!

Doctor doctor i feel like a bridge
What came over you?
2 cars a lorry and a double decker bus

[Nightmare GenoReaper]

i got one.

One of my classmates says to my math teacher "you kicked the can Mr Robbinson"

he says "As long as it's not the bucket"

and she totally misses it :buttrock:



Another one, from my same teacher.
Meredith "well i gots to get a tutor"
Robinson " For what, English?"

:beerchug:
ah the power of puns

AND HEY the Pun tab is totally my idea, so don't you dare try and steal it. It's copyrighted matieral :mad:

[War Wolf]

Okay, my turn again!

Many people remember the Shah of Iran, but few people remember his
cousin, the Shan of Iran. This is because the unfortunate Shan had been subject to epilepsy since youth. It would have been a disastrous
embarrassment to the family if the Shan's ailment had become public
knowledge, so if anyone were present when he was struck by an attack of epilepsy, the palace guards had standing orders that those people must be killed immediately.

Now, it came to pass that a grand party was thrown by the Shan to
celebrate his wedding day, with many many guests in attendance. Yet
cruel fate was not to be denied, and in the middle of the party the Shan was struck by another epileptic seizure. Some of the guests, having heard rumors of people mysteriously disappearing when with the Shan, realized what would come next and made immediately for the door, and a few actually escaped before the palace guards gained control of the crowd. The next day one of those who had escaped noticed someone else he'd seen at the party. He walked over and asked discreetly, "I say, where were you when the fit hit the Shan?"

:beerchug:

[Raging Wookie]

Ahhhhhhhhgggggggaa :banghead: that was horable War Wolf but I liked it :D heres one of my own: three elvis impersonators were seen walking down the strip in vagas one night when a jolly big guy in a red suit walked up and talked to them then all four of them got in a slegh and flew away,one passerby looked to another and asked "what was that all about?" and the other guy said "have'nt you ever heard of santa and his elvis" :D :beerchug: hope I worded this right :shrug:

[Raging Wookiee]

Walking down the street I saw an awful commotion. Saw that this guy was being swarmed by these things out of a clothing store. I asked the guy next to me, "What's he being attacked by?". He said, "Haven't you heard of the Capes of Wrath?!"

[War Wolf]

Two guys were talking in a bar and guy one says, "I got a dog that talks!". Guy 2 says, "No you don't." Guy 1 says, "Do too! In fact I'll bet you $20 bucks that I do!" Guy 2 takes the bet so they drive to Guy 1's house. Sure enough, there is a dog asleep in front of the fire talking in his sleep saying things like: "I've won the Nobel Peace Prize! I just won the Oscar for best actor!" Guy 2 says, "Alright here's your money, but I got to tell ya, that dog ain't telling the truth." Guy 1 says, "I know, but I've found it best to let sleeping dogs lie!"

[Howls-By-Day]

This oughta do...

In the full version of Beethoven's 9th symphony, the bassists have several movements of nothing but rests. During a particular performance of this piece, the bassists had agreed that during this extended period of rests they would head to the bar just a block down the street, have a few quick drinks, then come back before they have to play again. To ensure that they would have enough time to return, the first chair bassist had bound the last movement of the director's score with a piece of string. So when the time came for the last movement, the director noticed that his music was tied down and that the bassists had gone missing. He called his assistant to his side and related his quandry. The director was starting to worry because the audience was getting restless. His aid shook his head, sighed, and told the director, "Can't you see? It's the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

[weird_al_werewolf]

OOO me turn!

Ok...

A string walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says "Sorry we don't serve strings". So the string leaves and puts on a mustache then comes back and asks for a beer. The bartender says "Sorry we don't serve strings". So once again the string leaves. While he is outside he ties himself in a knot and puffs out his ends. He comes back in and asks for a beer again. The bartender says "Hey aren't you that string?" and the string says "A frayed knot"..... hehe (say it outloud if you don't get it)

[Sin of Humanity]

You're all going to pun hell.

All of you. No exceptions.