Wraywolf
08-27-2004, 09:22 PM
I wrote this for a friend who had a school project due a while ago. I thought people might find it funny, so I'm posting it. I don't know why but it made him laugh.
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Narrator: Elishia, poor Elishia, pining away in the confines of her room, pining, for her love, Dominique. She holds his picture to her bosom and weeps, for Dominque does not even know she exists! This sad unrequited love burns in her heart, although a part of it is merely indigestible Taco Bell.
Elishia: O, my dear Dominque, why does thou forsakeith my love? Is thou blind to my adorations? Are my practices of oogoling you and breathing on your neck in geometry class, all for naught!? Oh, Dominque, why does thou stabith me with your freezing sholde--
Elishia’s mother: Elishia! I made some cookies for the little abandoned children that live in the storm drain down the street. Do you want any?
Elishia: OHMYGAWDCOOOOOKIES! (Dee Dee voice)
Narrator: And so, Elishia sprints into the kitchen where the rich aroma of freshly baked cookies fills her hairy adolescent nostrils. She proceeds to gorge herself on the sugary treats.
Phone: Rriiiing Rriiiing!
Elishia: (mouth full of cookies) ohmygawd, whogh culghd ee cahling moe?
Elishia: (picks up phone, and swallows the cookies) Hello, this is the beautiful young lady Elishia speaking, who is it?
Dominique: Elishia, hi, um-
Elishia: OHMYGAWD Dominique how did you get my number!?
Dominique: Well, you kinda, shoved it into my locker. Every day. For the past 8 months. Yeah. So, um, I have something to ask you-
Elishia: Of CORSE I will go out on a date with you and eventually get married and have three children, two boys, one girl, that I will name Cindy, Derek, and Danny!! How’s tonight at 7? Great, see you there! *click*
Elishia: Oh, he asked me out! He asked me out! (hums a few notes of One Day My Prince Will Come) This is fantastic, amazing, unbelievable! What should I wear?! Oh my, what garments should I adorn for such a person as Dominque? No outfit is too skimpy or reveling for my love of loves! But none of my wear matches up to the flashy TV divas… To the GAP-mobile, awaaaaay!
Elishia (at the gap): Hmph! Such impudence these people have! None of thses outfits meet the standards of my Gods, the American pop-divas, whose music is too good to be enjoyable.
Elishia: You there, Shop-keep!
Store manager: yes ma’m?
Elishia: *slaps in the face* You listen here, you vile, maggot ridden, sack of dog spittle! I will have none of your shenanigans or fancy salseman talk. I want the most reveling, gaudy, attention getting garment you have in stock! The small sections of opaque fabric it has should be COVERED in sequins!
Store manager: Madam, may I suggest-
Elishia: *slap* NO YOU MAY NOT! Do as I say or, Britney Spears help me, I shall lay the smack down on you with X-TREME prejudice!
Store manager: Alright! Alright! Here, take it! Just please spare me form your flat handed wrath!
Elishia: Oh my, look at this! It’s hardly more then two straps of flesh colored cloth tied together with a string! Brilliant! Thank you shop keep, may the divas smile upon you.
Elishia: (at home and waiting for Dominque to pick her up while listening to One Day My Prince Will Come: Boyband remix) Oh what a wonderful day it is to be alive! My love has just proclaimed his undying unwavering testaments to myself, Elishia the magnificent. Ah, what a beautiful day.
(A knock at the door)
Elishia: My love! He has come!
(Elishia runs to the door and flings it open) Dominique!
Dominque: Oh, uh, Hi Elishia. Listen, do you have,
Elishia: A love for you that rivals the burning intensity of a thousand suns? Yes! Yes I do!
Dominique: Oh um, I was actually wondering if you had tonights geometry homework-
(Dominique is whisked out of the house by Elishia) Whoa, are you naked?!
Elishia: Oh, my love, where should we go? The night is young and I am sexy!
Dominique: But Elishia- what the monkey!?
Elishia: What is that in the sky? A… Flying dinner cuisine?!
(Dominique is sucked into the UFO) Waaaaaaaah!
(Elishia watches as the Spaceship flies away into the sky)
Elisha: …
Elisha: OH NO YOU DIH-INT!
Elishia: How dare the filthy space boogers abduct my love for there gruesome rectal experimentation! They shall pay for such an insult to the pop-culture adherents! HMPH!
(storms off to find her father) Elisha: Where is that man!? Never around when you need him… The garage, of course! He must be there!
(runs to the garage) Elisha: Father? Father! FAAAATHEEER!
(garage opens) Elisha’s dad: Yes my little pumkin, what do you want? Daddy is busy doing forbidden and unethical things with the natural laws of nature, so if you could make this quick. I’ve got some aborted fetuses marinating in the oven…
Elishia: Daddy, could you please lend me the jet pack, EMP, lazar guns, and miscellaneous other items of hurt and pain so I can retrieve the only one I love from the sticky grasp of the third kind?
Dad: Oh, I don’t know…
Elishia: Pah-weeeeeeeeez?
Dad: oh, alight. Just don’t tell your mother.
Elishia: Thank you daddy! Thank you thank you thank you! *hug*
Narrator: and so Elishia goes off to retrieve her love from the aliens)
*Humming the original Maro Bros. Theme as she makes her way through space*
Elishia: Hmmm… Ah ha! The mothership approaches! (She builds up speed and rushes at the spaceship faster) KAAAAMEEEEHAAAAMEEEE EEE…
Narrator (In old-school justice league cartoon narrator voice): Meanwhile, In the alien mothership…
Dominique: So… You guys just want to give me candy?
Aliens: Yes.
Dominique: And not shove neo-electric hydrolic probes into my anus?
Aliens: No.
Dominique: …Oh well. At least I get candy.
(Elisha bursts through the glass of the mothership)
Elisha: Stop right there, filthy alien scum! Your cold hard machines are no match for the power of love! In the name of the moon, I will punish you!
(Elishia busts out the guns) BOOOYAH MUTHA TRUCKERS!
Aliens: Oh the inhumanity!
ARRGH, My spleedeldy-spooch!
No! Please! THAT DOESN’T BELONG IN AAAAAGH!
Pain like none other!!
LAVOS LAS MANOS!
(Elisha eventually runs out of ammo and watches as the smoke clears, revealing the slain body of Dominque among the massacre of little green men)
Elisha: NOOOOO!!! Why must we harm the ones we love!? BAAAANJOOOOO!! …Eh? (looks closer at Dominique’s dead face) Eeeeeew, you have a zit! I always thought that Erick Kidd was cuter then you anyway.
Voice on speakers in Mothership: Warning. Nuclear reactor meltdown imminent. (Elisha looks at the nuclear reactor, which has been shot full of bullet holes)
Elihsa: Oopsey shit…
Voice on Mothership speakers: Kiss your little green ass goodbye in 3, 2, 1-
Elihsa: LOL! It said ‘ass’!!!1
(Everything explodes)
DUH EN.
-------
If any of you are wondering what I am smoking, it's dry kangaroo spooge wrapped in decayed banana leaves that have been soaked soundly in the gestalt of a blue whale.
The colors in the air taste like pop-rocks. Mmmm.
------
Narrator: Elishia, poor Elishia, pining away in the confines of her room, pining, for her love, Dominique. She holds his picture to her bosom and weeps, for Dominque does not even know she exists! This sad unrequited love burns in her heart, although a part of it is merely indigestible Taco Bell.
Elishia: O, my dear Dominque, why does thou forsakeith my love? Is thou blind to my adorations? Are my practices of oogoling you and breathing on your neck in geometry class, all for naught!? Oh, Dominque, why does thou stabith me with your freezing sholde--
Elishia’s mother: Elishia! I made some cookies for the little abandoned children that live in the storm drain down the street. Do you want any?
Elishia: OHMYGAWDCOOOOOKIES! (Dee Dee voice)
Narrator: And so, Elishia sprints into the kitchen where the rich aroma of freshly baked cookies fills her hairy adolescent nostrils. She proceeds to gorge herself on the sugary treats.
Phone: Rriiiing Rriiiing!
Elishia: (mouth full of cookies) ohmygawd, whogh culghd ee cahling moe?
Elishia: (picks up phone, and swallows the cookies) Hello, this is the beautiful young lady Elishia speaking, who is it?
Dominique: Elishia, hi, um-
Elishia: OHMYGAWD Dominique how did you get my number!?
Dominique: Well, you kinda, shoved it into my locker. Every day. For the past 8 months. Yeah. So, um, I have something to ask you-
Elishia: Of CORSE I will go out on a date with you and eventually get married and have three children, two boys, one girl, that I will name Cindy, Derek, and Danny!! How’s tonight at 7? Great, see you there! *click*
Elishia: Oh, he asked me out! He asked me out! (hums a few notes of One Day My Prince Will Come) This is fantastic, amazing, unbelievable! What should I wear?! Oh my, what garments should I adorn for such a person as Dominque? No outfit is too skimpy or reveling for my love of loves! But none of my wear matches up to the flashy TV divas… To the GAP-mobile, awaaaaay!
Elishia (at the gap): Hmph! Such impudence these people have! None of thses outfits meet the standards of my Gods, the American pop-divas, whose music is too good to be enjoyable.
Elishia: You there, Shop-keep!
Store manager: yes ma’m?
Elishia: *slaps in the face* You listen here, you vile, maggot ridden, sack of dog spittle! I will have none of your shenanigans or fancy salseman talk. I want the most reveling, gaudy, attention getting garment you have in stock! The small sections of opaque fabric it has should be COVERED in sequins!
Store manager: Madam, may I suggest-
Elishia: *slap* NO YOU MAY NOT! Do as I say or, Britney Spears help me, I shall lay the smack down on you with X-TREME prejudice!
Store manager: Alright! Alright! Here, take it! Just please spare me form your flat handed wrath!
Elishia: Oh my, look at this! It’s hardly more then two straps of flesh colored cloth tied together with a string! Brilliant! Thank you shop keep, may the divas smile upon you.
Elishia: (at home and waiting for Dominque to pick her up while listening to One Day My Prince Will Come: Boyband remix) Oh what a wonderful day it is to be alive! My love has just proclaimed his undying unwavering testaments to myself, Elishia the magnificent. Ah, what a beautiful day.
(A knock at the door)
Elishia: My love! He has come!
(Elishia runs to the door and flings it open) Dominique!
Dominque: Oh, uh, Hi Elishia. Listen, do you have,
Elishia: A love for you that rivals the burning intensity of a thousand suns? Yes! Yes I do!
Dominique: Oh um, I was actually wondering if you had tonights geometry homework-
(Dominique is whisked out of the house by Elishia) Whoa, are you naked?!
Elishia: Oh, my love, where should we go? The night is young and I am sexy!
Dominique: But Elishia- what the monkey!?
Elishia: What is that in the sky? A… Flying dinner cuisine?!
(Dominique is sucked into the UFO) Waaaaaaaah!
(Elishia watches as the Spaceship flies away into the sky)
Elisha: …
Elisha: OH NO YOU DIH-INT!
Elishia: How dare the filthy space boogers abduct my love for there gruesome rectal experimentation! They shall pay for such an insult to the pop-culture adherents! HMPH!
(storms off to find her father) Elisha: Where is that man!? Never around when you need him… The garage, of course! He must be there!
(runs to the garage) Elisha: Father? Father! FAAAATHEEER!
(garage opens) Elisha’s dad: Yes my little pumkin, what do you want? Daddy is busy doing forbidden and unethical things with the natural laws of nature, so if you could make this quick. I’ve got some aborted fetuses marinating in the oven…
Elishia: Daddy, could you please lend me the jet pack, EMP, lazar guns, and miscellaneous other items of hurt and pain so I can retrieve the only one I love from the sticky grasp of the third kind?
Dad: Oh, I don’t know…
Elishia: Pah-weeeeeeeeez?
Dad: oh, alight. Just don’t tell your mother.
Elishia: Thank you daddy! Thank you thank you thank you! *hug*
Narrator: and so Elishia goes off to retrieve her love from the aliens)
*Humming the original Maro Bros. Theme as she makes her way through space*
Elishia: Hmmm… Ah ha! The mothership approaches! (She builds up speed and rushes at the spaceship faster) KAAAAMEEEEHAAAAMEEEE EEE…
Narrator (In old-school justice league cartoon narrator voice): Meanwhile, In the alien mothership…
Dominique: So… You guys just want to give me candy?
Aliens: Yes.
Dominique: And not shove neo-electric hydrolic probes into my anus?
Aliens: No.
Dominique: …Oh well. At least I get candy.
(Elisha bursts through the glass of the mothership)
Elisha: Stop right there, filthy alien scum! Your cold hard machines are no match for the power of love! In the name of the moon, I will punish you!
(Elishia busts out the guns) BOOOYAH MUTHA TRUCKERS!
Aliens: Oh the inhumanity!
ARRGH, My spleedeldy-spooch!
No! Please! THAT DOESN’T BELONG IN AAAAAGH!
Pain like none other!!
LAVOS LAS MANOS!
(Elisha eventually runs out of ammo and watches as the smoke clears, revealing the slain body of Dominque among the massacre of little green men)
Elisha: NOOOOO!!! Why must we harm the ones we love!? BAAAANJOOOOO!! …Eh? (looks closer at Dominique’s dead face) Eeeeeew, you have a zit! I always thought that Erick Kidd was cuter then you anyway.
Voice on speakers in Mothership: Warning. Nuclear reactor meltdown imminent. (Elisha looks at the nuclear reactor, which has been shot full of bullet holes)
Elihsa: Oopsey shit…
Voice on Mothership speakers: Kiss your little green ass goodbye in 3, 2, 1-
Elihsa: LOL! It said ‘ass’!!!1
(Everything explodes)
DUH EN.
-------
If any of you are wondering what I am smoking, it's dry kangaroo spooge wrapped in decayed banana leaves that have been soaked soundly in the gestalt of a blue whale.
The colors in the air taste like pop-rocks. Mmmm.